I sometimes wonder why most churches seem to deliberately direct their attempts at being more "welcoming" decidedly in the direction of welcoming extroverts. Recent studies have shown that the population is actually split about 50-50 between extroverts and introverts, so by focussing almost exclusively on welcoming extroverts we're missing a big chunk of folks! True, I suppose it seems easier to try to welcome extroverts. Maybe they're more likely to just wake up one Sunday morning and say, "Gosh darn - I need my people fix already. Better head down to that church on the corner and make all sorts of new friends to hang out with later." Yes, we have to be ready for them. But what about the person who wakes up on Sunday morning thinking, "Well. I find myself contemplating the nature of my existence, and I'd like a peaceful environment in which I could do so. Perhaps an environment in which there are others quietly meditating on the same thing would be helpful. That church down the road might be the ideal place to spend some time and then come home. Alone." What about them?
OK. Those are caricatures. But still, most of our attempts at being welcoming seem fixated on greeting the extroverts among us, leaving introverts feeling very uncomfortable. I'm an introvert. That doesn't mean I'm shy and it doesn't mean I don't like people. It means that I tend to focus inward and seek solitude when I need to recharge my batteries, whereas extroverts want to engage the whole world and reach out to others to recharge theirs. I love the hustle and bustle of Sunday morning in church - shaking hands, talking, greeting, etc. But it does wear me out and I'm tired when it's all over. And here's the difference: The introvert gets tired and wants to go home, sit alone and watch a ball game; the extrovert gets tired and wants to get out with friends, find a party, and meet some new folks. The introvert wants to be away from people for a while; the extrovert wants to be around people. And, frankly, the introvert does not like being placed in socially awkward situations, surrounded by strangers.
A few days ago a friend of mine posted on Facebook this description (written by someone else) of the type of welcome received at a church the author had recently attended. I found it fascinating. It worked for the author; it would have appalled me. Here's the list of things that happened that the author referred to as a "godly welcome" but that would have struck me (as an introvert) as very much from the other place. I'll put my thoughts about each in red:
- Signs in two parking lots giving me parking permission (I don't really understand this.)
- Greeted with a handshake (Fine. No problem.)
... by one person outside the door (Fine.)
... by two people in the foyer (OK.)
... by two other people in the entrance to the sanctuary (Getting to be a bit much for my first time here.)
... by several uniformed ushers - one showing me to my seat! (Uniforms? Am I in the army? And why are you showing me to my seat. I'm quite capable of finding a place to sit! Or am I only allowed to sit in certain places?)
... after a half hour of singing followed by extended open-ended spirit-driven prayers by the people, the lead pastor carefully explained the charismatic phenomena we had just experienced (Not being especially charismatic I'd have been less than enthused but would have listened politely)
.. visitors' were asked to raise our hands (many recoil at that - too much attention - but these people were self-effacing as a body in the act and I did not feel put on the spot) (I beg your pardon? Why do I have to raise my hand? I WOULD feel put on the spot!)
... we were given a professional size visitors pack (OK. Nice touch. But I don't have to raise my hand to get it. Just leave a few at the entrance so I can pick it up if I want it.)
... the congregation sang a special welcome song for first timers (Oh please. Touchy feely. Touchy feely. Is there a group hug coming up?)
... two dozen smiling people shook my hand assuring me that I was welcome. (Two dozen? In spite of your intent, not only am I not feeling welcome - you're actually making me hyper-ventilate a little bit!)
... the person in the pew beside me saw me looking and asked if I wanted an offering envelope, yielding one with a smile (That's nice. Look for someone who seems a bit lost and offer to help. That's a good lesson to learn.)
...after service the pastor sent one of the ushers to find me (Uh - why? I just really want to go home.)
...once he had secured my name, I was welcomed to a special snack downstairs where the congenial usher and I chatted. (He "secured" my name? I probably won't want to go to the "snack" by this point, even if it is "special," but if I do I'll be polite and chat with the congenial usher.)
...Then one of the pastors and I spent friendly moments trading laughs and pastoral insights (somehow visiting churches God always blows my clergy cover) (If by some miracle I made it this far - OK. I don't mind being sociable. I just don't want to be overwhelmed.)
... back upstairs the lead pastor - who I had only met once before - greeted me by name expressing his thanks that I had come. (OK. You're welcome.)
... as I exited several others approached to shake my hand expressing their sincere wishes for my return. (Um. Thanks - but not likely. I would not have found this an enjoyable worship experience at all.)
In all I think three dozen people went out of their way to make me feel perfectly at home (That would make me feel that this was a church that was kind of desperate to "get" me. Seriously - three dozen?Oh my Lord. I'll need to sleep for a week to get over this.)
Well, you get the point. I wouldn't mind the socializing downstairs part. I just wouldn't have made it that far. This congregation would have burned me out with their attempts at welcoming me. I'd have just been looking for the quickest way out. This experience would not have been for me, and yet it's held out as a godly experience and is apparently shared in the belief that this is how a church should act toward visitors. Sure - if all your visitors are extroverts. But what about the introverts!
I don't know that I have a real solution for how to be welcoming toward the introverts who represent about half the population - but at the very least we should be aware that they exist, remember that God loves them too, and think about ways to create an environment that works for them as well. Being friendly without being overwhelming would be good. Maybe as a general principle the idea should not be to be a welcoming church, but to be a church in which all feel welcome. There's a subtle difference between those two things. Being "a welcoming church" seems to suggest going out of your way to be welcoming; being aggressively welcoming. The exact approach that would turn me away from a church. Being a church in which all feel welcome implies to me a warm and friendly church without obvious cliques or factions, a church that gives me opportunities to chat if I choose but also to just leave if I want to, a church that has opportunities for me to join in where I choose, a church where I'm greeted by a handshake or two but not overwhelmed by three dozen people.
The most welcoming environment I think I've ever found in a church was a few years ago. I was in Chicago, and a group of us went to worship at Trinity United Church of Christ - an African American church, which used to be the home church of Barack Obama. I'm not African American. I honestly wondered how comfortable I'd feel in that environment. And it was wonderful. The service was like nothing I had ever experienced before. Longer by a long shot than any other service I'd been at. Two sermons, a drama, lots of extemporaneous prayer, lots of singing. Passionate people who were friendly but not overwhelmingly so. It was a large congregation, but I don't remember anywhere near three dozen people deliberately coming at me to shake my hand, although we were invited to get up during the service and shake hands with those around us. That was fine. The whole experience was good for me. I left that Sunday feeling good about life and good about church. I don't know how to recreate that experience, but I know it was much more introvert-friendly than what's described above.
As I said, I have no solutions for how to make introverts feel welcome. I just know that it's important to try. And I take heart from the fact that as I read the New Testament, Jesus was also an introvert. He spent a lot of time around people, but he also regularly withdrew to strengthen himself. Jesus was in both churches described above. I don't doubt that. But I think he had a soft spot in his heart for the introverts at either one.
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