It's the last day of May, and as I look back at the month I realize that I've conducted six funerals. I realize that for some pastors in very large churches that might not be much - but to me, that's a lot. It's only the second time I've had six funerals in a month (the other was July of 2009). And yet, it doesn't feel as though it's been burdensome. I'm a bit tired, and four of them came on what was supposed to be my "day off" - but still - it hasn't been a burden. Actually, in a way it's energizing. I have colleagues who find funerals a burden, but they've never been to me. Truth be told, although many lay people don't understand this, I actually enjoy conducting funerals - much more than, say, conducting a wedding. I've talked to many colleagues who feel the same way, but lay people find it surprising. Weddings, after all, are joyful events, and funerals are sombre events - weddings should be enjoyed, funerals shouldn't. I suppose that's true if you're attending them, but as the person presiding, I find a funeral much more satisfying than a wedding. Enough people have been surprised to hear me say that that I thought maybe it would answer a few questions if I shared why I like doing funerals.
I've had many memorable funerals over the years. My very first after being ordained was for a 28 year old woman who took her own life. It happened three days after I arrived on my first charge, it was a significant family in the church, I knew virtually no one, and it was a challenge that theological college had definitely not prepared me for. But I pulled it off, with God's help and guidance. And I'll never forget it. I've conducted a service for a stillborn baby who never had the chance to live, and I've conducted a service for a 104 year old woman whose life had been full and rich. I've led funerals that were full of laughter, and I've led funerals where people literally almost fell down sobbing. I've led funerals for faithful church members and saints about whose faith there was no question, and I've led funerals for those who had never professed any faith but were still loved by God - as we all are. I've led simple graveside funerals and elaborate church funerals. There have been sudden deaths and there have been deaths that have come after extended sickness and suffering. I recently conducted a secular funeral for a child. I had always said I could never do that, but when I was asked, I thought about Jesus and realized that his concern would be about giving help and comfort - so I did it, hoping that my presence as a Christian minister was a sufficient witness to Jesus and the gospel. I had one funeral at which the deceased's daughter in law came up to me five minutes before the service and said that since no one else in the family wanted to share, she would like to share some thoughts. A wonderful gesture I thought - until she opened her "eulogy" with the words "It's been 15 years since I married into this family, and in all that time I've never even met [the deceased.]" She used her "eulogy" as an extended opportunity to tell the assembled mourners that unless they believed in the Bible they were going to hell - and she said it over and over again! The response seemed to be "it's just her," and at the end of the service a group hug broke out. I've conducted a lot of memorable funeral services. But here are some specific reasons I actually enjoy conducting funerals.
(1) Funerals are a challenge. At a funeral, you find yourself dealing with people at their most vulnerable and at a time in their lives when they're most in need of comfort. Finding the words that need to be spoken at such a time is, to me, the ultimate challenge of ministry. It's what this calling is about. At a funeral there's real and obvious need and grief and sometimes even trauma, and here's an opportunity for me to prove what I truly believe - that faith can provide the ultimate comfort, and that a sermon, well crafted, can offer hope even in a seemingly hopeless situation. I know clergy who have two or three funerals sermons and just rotate through them. But I try to do more than that. Especially for active church members, my funeral sermons are often original. Yes, I have themes I work with, and sometimes if it's not a church member I'll take a previous funeral message and rewrite it, but rewriting it is always for the purpose of contextualizing it to the particular circumstance. That takes time. It's challenging. It's what this is about.
(2) Funerals are about sharing. I've had so many wonderful times of sharing with families who've just lost a loved one - and it always astounds me that at this moment, there's rarely even a hint of doubt that the minister belongs here with us, even when it's not a church member. Funerals are an invitation for me to become almost a part of a family: to hear the memories, to hear the stories, to feel the love. For one of these six funerals this month, I spent almost two hours sitting at a kitchen table with someone I had never met before, for the most part just listening. There were tears and there was laughter. And I was looked on as worthy to be a part of that. It's an awesome experience.
(3) Funerals give me an opportunity to actually proclaim something meaningful to people who want to hear it. If you want to know what frustrates me about weddings - it's basically that I often feel as though people see the minister as a bit of a burden. The minister brings "the religious stuff" that we have to go through before we can go off to the party! Unlike my funeral messages, my wedding messages are ones that I largely rotate through. I have four or five of them. But I generally don't spend a lot of time contextualizing them much. And one can preach Sunday after Sunday to a congregation and you often wonder if anyone really listens, but at funerals, for the most part at least, I don't feel as though I'm looked on as a burden to be endured and I believe people are listening for at least a hint of hope. In that situation, people look to me to have something meaningful to share; as someone who should be able to bring some sense of comfort and peace to an often unbearable situation. Here's the chance to proclaim the gospel at its best. It's not to get people into church (although that happens sometimes.) It's to, in effect, be Jesus to them. To offer compassion and assurance at a time when people need to feel compassion and assurance. When I preach a funeral message and it goes well, I know I've done that.
(4) Funerals let me see people rise to the occasion. In so many ways people rise to the occasion. Sometimes it's in the way people surround a family, but I'm thinking more of the funeral service itself. At church on a Sunday, I see lay people read Scripture, and maybe sing in a choir, but most of the leadership is with me. At a funeral, I see people wanting to be involved. I see friends and family stand up and share their memories, I see children offer poems, I see folks who want to read Scripture, I see those with musical talent often offering that talent. In all those things I see the family of God at its best. It's a privilege to be a part of it.
Funerals aren't fun. There's a lot of pain involved. But they are perhaps the part of my ministry that gives me the most satisfaction when they're over.
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