“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”
(Matthew 18:15-20)
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It was in some ways an innocuous comment made as a post in a Facebook group of ministers that I belong to. The subject under discussion was the concept of the church as a family. That's an image which to me is very important. I think it says something about both our relationship with God and our relationship with each other. I think it teaches us something about how to live our lives of faith together. It also helps to explain both the strengths and the weaknesses of the church as a whole and of individual churches, because – let's face it – just as families can be healthy or unhealthy, functional or dysfunctional, so can churches be all of those things. “Family” - I believe – is an important image for the church. So I was a bit troubled by some of the comments that were being made. One person – whom I know a little bit – said that we have to be very careful with the image of the church as a family and we have to remember that the connection isn't by blood. Well, “blood” isn't necessarily what defines a family. As an adoptive parent I know that very well. But it was someone else's comment that bothered me most. It was from a person I went to theological college with but haven't seen since I graduated more than 20 years ago now. She said, with no hesitation, “we are not a family.” And I thought - “that must create a warm and happy and caring environment, when the minister states flat out that 'we are not a family.'” To me it was sad, and ever since I took part in that discussion, I've been reflecting upon the image of the church as a family and what it means and why it's important. Because it is.
This passage from Matthew doesn't specifically use the language of family to speak about the church, but it does speak about the relationships we have within the church and how those relationships are supposed to be conducted. And, to me anyway, our relationships within this community are always conducted within the context of a Christian family. Families are complex things. Some are closer than others; and within families some family members are closer than other family members. Within families, there's a sense of connection and belonging – sometimes whether you want it or not! Our families give us the basis for how we identify ourselves. Within families there's usually a lot of love – and the reality of that means that there can also be flareups, and I've known family fights that turn into very long-lasting and unpleasant situations because when we feel let down by the people we also feel we should be closest to, it's difficult to let go of. Church fights are a lot like that as well. Church fights can easily get out of hand, because we know what this community is supposed to be about. We know we're supposed to love one another and serve one another and support one another and encourage one another. And when we fail to do that – when we choose instead to judge or criticize or attack; when we inadvertently hurt someone by a thoughtless word or a careless act or an inadvertent slight – then the community – the church family – is battered and bruised. And the unfortunate reality is that even though this is the church and even though we're followers of Jesus – every now and then we slip up and we say or do things we shouldn't do or we forget to do something we should do, and the hurt that gets caused can be devastating, and it can take a long time to heal – if it ever really heals. And we all have the potential to be a part of the problem. As Eric Barretto (a New Testament scholar) wrote,
“ We are rather expert at spotting those rabble rousers around us, identifying their destructive habits, and condemning the ways they seek to destabilize our communities. Noticing when we are engaged in these very same behaviours is another story. After all, some of those troublesome people are us.”
And as a community and as a family, when things happen that are destructive of the community, we have to pull together and find a way out. I believe that's what this passage from Matthew's Gospel is telling us to do.
Was Jesus really intending to give his disciples a step by step manual for conflict resolution? I don't think so. What I do think Jesus was trying to do was instill in his disciples' hearts the importance of their being true community between different people who – in spite of their differences – could all agree that they were children of God, and, therefore, family to each other. Jesus, I think, expected that there would be differences and divisions and conflicts within the family. Jesus said, “truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.” Most people take that out of context. They don't look at the setting Jesus speaks those words in. It's in the context of talking about how to deal with divisions in the church. If you read those words in that context, it's actually a rather sobering verse. It sounds less like Jesus saying with authority “if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.” Instead, it sounds like Jesus wistfully saying, “if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven.” Do you see the difference the emphasis makes? The way I've come to read this, it's Jesus lamenting that it was going to be hard for his band of disciples (whether the 12 he had at that moment or the billions he's had since) to find even two who could be in complete agreement on anything. Which is kind of sad when you think about it. But I suspect it's true. It's both a strength and a weakness of the Christian faith. It makes Christianity more approachable for some people because they have the freedom to explore and think and pray and come to their own conclusions. But it also means that because we then have to live in relationship with those with whom we disagree our positions can become entrenched and we can become far too convinced that we're right and everybody else better shape up or ship out, so to speak.
The point of the passage is clear, and it isn't the specific step by step details that matter – that's being far too literalistic. What Jesus is telling us is that we need to work together as a community to ensure the health and well being of the community. Problems have to be dealt with. Disagreements have to be acknowledged. Conflict needs to be addressed. As children of God – all of us a part of the family of God – we're called by Jesus to work together to keep the family healthy. It's love that requires that we address the challenges that sometimes arise within the family unit. It's not enough to sweep them under the rug. That just allows the pressure to build and eventually blow up, and that makes even a Christian community unable to function as God calls us to. The first Sunday of September is traditionally looked on as the start of the church year. Lots is going to happen over the next few months. And, as in all families, from time to time were going to have disagreements. We need to remember to work together as a community and to be able to resolve differences when they arise without making anyone else in the community feel put down.
I suppose that ultimately it comes down to forgiveness. Are we willing to forgive each other when the need arises. If we aren't, then what Jesus is saying seems true – the only option is separation. Somebody's gotta go! But we don't want it to come to that. We never want it to come to that. Forgiveness is the key in any family's life. Nelson Mandela said that “forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” Forgiveness changes everything. And that's what we work toward – and we work toward it together. Within the family, no problem ever involves just two people – it involves everyone. And everyone needs to work together to make things right. That's what families do – even the family of God.
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